Oh, Thank Heaven (Some Christian Nation pt. 1)

Thank Heaven we live in a Christian Nation!

An idyllic country founded on God’s Own Laws, where we revere Jesus and all his teachings, hold to the sanctity of life and blessedness of humankind, especially Americans, above all others. We were founded in freedom and truth, on Biblical principles, with liberty and justice for all.

Some Christian Nation.

Refresh my memory, I was just trying to look it up, but seem to have lost it- where was the bit in the New Testament where Jesus patted the money changers on their backs and reassured them that he would lower their taxes? Was it before or after the bit where he talks about “blessed are the rich, for theirs is the power to make the laws”? I can’t seem to recall. Or maybe it’s near the passage that says “let the widows and orphans fend for themselves- I’ve earned my money honestly by prophesying in the streets, and if they think they’re entitled to things like food, housing, or you name it, then they’re just playing the victim”.

Some Christian Nation.

Why, just the other day I was telling someone how inspiring it is to me that the Bible conveniently lays out that “whosoever rapeth a woman, and lo, she become with zygote against her will, he shall hold her down and assault her a second time with a wand of seeing, that he may prove to her that the mutating ball of cells she will have to feed for the next few years off of her own flesh and blood is the embodiment of God’s Will”. I mean, I can’t imagine what we would do if it weren’t so clear. And how would we know what to prioritize if we did not have the dictate “thou shalt hold thy neighbor’s private sexual practices to be the decisive point of his character, and behold- if thou dost not find them to thy liking, thou shalt persecute him, even unto death!”

Some Christian Nation.

Wait… what do you mean, there’s no verse that admonishes us to “allow no foreign-born person to cross thy border in need”? I’m sure it’s there! And what about the classic “if thy Grandfather offends you with his medical needs, cut him off”? Or when Jesus said “for behold, the Kingdom of Heaven is like a Swiss Bank Account, far removed from those who might taint it”. Or “take up thy trust fund and follow me”?

“Give us this day our daily tax break?” “Love thy banker as thyself?” …no?

Some Christian Nation.

Gosh, your Bible sounds strange- Jesus ate with women and foreigners? He told rich people to give all of their possessions away? But how did he reward those who clearly proved their superiority to others? I mean, clearly they deserved a better share. Wait… you’re saying he suggested paying everyone equally, regardless of time spent in the field? But… that’s crazy talk! He let himself be rebuked by a lower-class foreign woman, and then healed her child? But… what would he gain from that?

Some Christian Nation.

He… he made a whip of cords and beat the profiteers in the house of God? But… that’s upsetting the status quo! He saved a woman from her lawful and right punishment of death by suggesting that other people might have sinned too? Sacrilege! I can’t imagine what you see in this guy. How are you supposed to learn anything about God from a radical social activist who goes around feeding anyone who just turns up? I mean, it’s almost like he was taking the prophets seriously when they cursed those who profit from the misfortune of their neighbors. Everyone knows that’s just metaphor.

Some Christian Nation.

Well. I just can’t imagine how you take someone like that seriously. But, at the end of the day, I guess we just all have to come together and find the things we can agree on. So thank goodness we can all agree that Jesus was white!


2 thoughts on “Oh, Thank Heaven (Some Christian Nation pt. 1)

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